i like this one alot, sam. it says something that i--personally--feel, and it puts it into words. one of those things that you don't always realize is a thing because it doesn't have a word... if that makes sense.
my only suggestions would be two simple cuts. 1. sharp. because it doesn't strengthen the best part: "kick in the eyes." it takes the power from it a bit (i thnk).
2. the "now" in the final line. because i think that it stops the slow down sounds of rest and renewal. especially "renewal"
let me know if that makes sense. interested for what's next.
2 comments:
i like this one alot, sam. it says something that i--personally--feel, and it puts it into words. one of those things that you don't always realize is a thing because it doesn't have a word... if that makes sense.
my only suggestions would be two simple cuts.
1. sharp. because it doesn't strengthen the best part: "kick in the eyes." it takes the power from it a bit (i thnk).
2. the "now" in the final line. because i think that it stops the slow down sounds of rest and renewal. especially "renewal"
let me know if that makes sense. interested for what's next.
cheers,
zach.
Thanks - i really agree with the "now" part. it's too much telling, not enough showing. i can see where you're coming from with "sharp" as well.
-s
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