The first stanza is very exact, which I like a lot. The last stanza is abstract and nostalgic, it's as awkward as someone walking on a treadmill with a helium balloon and a deflated innertube...only without the novelty. Try making stanza two longer and forgetting the celebration. If the title is success, how is it obtained? It might take more than 10 lines to say, but it could be a good poem anyway. It veers away from the strong details at the crucial point--"and / and"
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Hi,
The first stanza is very exact, which I like a lot. The last stanza is abstract and nostalgic, it's as awkward as someone walking on a treadmill with a helium balloon and a deflated innertube...only without the novelty. Try making stanza two longer and forgetting the celebration. If the title is success, how is it obtained? It might take more than 10 lines to say, but it could be a good poem anyway. It veers away from the strong details at the crucial point--"and / and"
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