i like this part alot. stare/stare/stare is good. i like it alot because it just works. my only suggestion would be that it might be interesting to play with how they sit on the page. maybe a: "stare. stare. stare." it might need to be broken up.
"don't worry she said we are under an overhang so your new jacket is okay" this part is the best, the best thing that you've written--i think. i find that funny because i thought that your repitition was your strength in the last piece. awesome.
turn. -this line is my only complaint. i think that, while it stays consistent with the beginning, and it needs to be sudden, can be done better. how. i don't know. i'll think about it."
when did it start raining -again, great. this continues the earlier three lines. i like the symmetry, how this line echoes the last as well as the stanza before it. 3-3-1-1.
perhaps the "turn" will work better if you give me a context of a 3-3 line stanzas. and then break it with the 1-1. but it would require two or three 3-3 stanza, i think. probably three.
"don't worry she said we are under an overhand so your new jacket is okay"
and also have a problem with the "turn". I like the last line and I think that beat needs to be there, but the word activating that isn't functioning on a high level as a word itself, I don't think.
2 comments:
sam,
this poem is many steps above your last.
"stare.
stare.
stare."
i like this part alot. stare/stare/stare is good. i like it alot because it just works. my only suggestion would be that it might be interesting to play with how they sit on the page. maybe a:
"stare.
stare. stare."
it might need to be broken up.
"don't worry she said
we are under an overhang
so your new jacket is okay"
this part is the best, the best thing that you've written--i think. i find that funny because i thought that your repitition was your strength in the last piece. awesome.
turn.
-this line is my only complaint. i think that, while it stays consistent with the beginning, and it needs to be sudden, can be done better. how. i don't know. i'll think about it."
when did it start raining
-again, great. this continues the earlier three lines. i like the symmetry, how this line echoes the last as well as the stanza before it.
3-3-1-1.
perhaps the "turn" will work better if you give me a context of a 3-3 line stanzas. and then break it with the 1-1. but it would require two or three 3-3 stanza, i think. probably three.
cheers,
zach.
I like
"don't worry she said
we are under an overhand
so your new jacket is okay"
and also have a problem with the "turn". I like the last line and I think that beat needs to be there, but the word activating that isn't functioning on a high level as a word itself, I don't think.
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